জলাঞ্জলী

জলের কোল জুড়ে জেগে ছিল আলোর গোলক,

জল ধাঁধায় পরাস্ত ঢেউ আছড়ে পড়ল শুভ্র ফেনায়,

জলের কাদায় গভীরে জমে থাকা উত্তাপে

দগ্ধ বিদ্ধ চূর্ণ দম্ভ ধ্বংসাবশেষ মাড়িয়ে এলাম এক রাতে।

জল জাগে আলোর ডাকে, জল ভোগায় জল ভোগে।

আলো আঁধারি, রক্তচক্ষু, স্নিগ্ধ, বিমূর্ত, বিষণ্ণ, বিরক্ত

আলোক ধাঁধায় ঢেউ জাগে, ভাঙে,

বিলীন হয় মূহুর্তে, মর্ত্যে।

জল তুমি স্বর, আলোর শিকড় – আরেক ঈশ্বর,

গড়াও বিন্দু থেকে তিলে তিলে

জলোচ্ছ্বাসে বিলিয়ে দাও, ছিনিয়ে নাও

বিষণ্ণ মুখ, ঝমঝমে হাসি, বজ্র কণ্ঠ

দাসত্ব, মুক্তি, বন্দীত্ব, নির্লিপ্ত হাসি।

জলের গভীরের ডাকে অশরীরি জাগে গহীন আঁধারে,

জলদ গরল আর অমৃত জলযোগে, উপবাসে,

জোয়ার ভাঁটায় ছেঁড়ে, টানে, জোড়ে,

গড়ে, ডোবায়, ওড়ায়, ওড়ে।

There are days worse than others
And to go on living means to forget what just happened
Or what keeps happening
Every other day, every other week,
If you are lucky maybe every other month.

You talk it out in your head
Sometimes to a close friend
In reference to what happened to an xyz friend.
You can't believe this is happening to you,
You are too embarrassed to admit you let this happen
Every other day, every other week,
If you are lucky, maybe every other month.

You have contemplated your exit strategy
Planned thousand different plans
Sometimes homicide, sometimes suicide,
Every other day, every other week,
As you get used to this life,
Maybe every other month.

In the meantime it keeps happening,
Your baby wakes up from sleep
You are not sure if you can handle this by yourself-
Pay rent, health insurance, daycare,
You are afraid to file charges
Lawyer, custody battle, child support - is it worth it?
Maybe it will stop happening
every other day, every other week
If you are lucky enough maybe
only every other month.

You contemplate leaving him behind,
be another bad mother and
give both of you a chance for some other life.
He is too young to remember that you were ever here.
He will grow up and say "I never knew my mother",
melt someone's heart to take care of him forever
And not make her feel what you feel
Every other day, every other week
Or every other month.

You hit yourself twice just to check if your senses work,
You forgot what hit you last time.
You bruise easily and heal fast.
I know you will walk out of it
and not wait for the right moment
And not let it happen to you again
Every other day
Every other week
Every other month
Never ever ever ever ever. 

Imaginary lines chart our territories 

We try not to cross each other's path.

And yet when the night falls

Our bodies forget the decisions made last night

And find each other's warm feet under the comforter.

My heels touch your cuff muscles, 

fingers find their way under your shirt, 

work their magic on your stiff neck and back,

Your shoulders and arms stretch to reach out to mine.

The weather channel can no longer predict when there will be sun or rain,

A hail storm might just be followed by a sun drenched sky. 

I'll walk in the rain nonetheless breathing heavily with my long slow strides.

The view from the Hill gives me sanity, wisdom and strength

I can accept now the consequences of mudslides,

Casualties, beauty masks - any other angles or aspects.  

We've been too busy counting blames

while the conversations disappeared in thin air

This was probably the last breathe of fresh air we shared in the same space. 

Desperation

If you won’t love me awake and alive

I’ll lie down next to your sleeping corpse

And hug you to feel loved,

As every light dims in the dark.

I will imagine you to be the one

That used to make me laugh,

Get me high, make me come

On and on the whole night.

I’ll run my fingers on your skin

On your soft furry body hair,

Your rough long ponytail.

I’ll hear your breath

Count your turns and toss

And wait until you accidentally

Turn back to give me a hug back

Take my arms around you to keep you warm

And surrender with all your guards down,

Your wounds open wide

Allowing me to heal to let you feel

How deep, invisible, divisive our cuts have become

And I’ll whisper in your ears

Summon the demons to put yours to rest,

To wake up to another day

Not remembering any of this

To start again, again and again.   

Assassins

The assassins lay next to each other,
They are enemies and prisoners of war.
It’s a ceasefire
Until tomorrow morning,
Until the day begins
And slowly uncovers the triggers in the head -
the rage, the fear, the chills of the loss,
Until another message vibrates on the table,
A target marked for attack on the wall.

The signals unfold the collateral damages
Retaliations that are to be expected,
Whether to retreat or provoke
How many different ammunitions are in store?

The treaty is broken,
Boundaries have been crossed,
It’s just a matter of time
The assassins realize they have both lost the war.

Winter Blues

Onions, eggs, bananas, vitamin D, thyrin, prozac,
Trash, mailbox, bills, iron drops, broccoli, spinach.
2000 steps today, 20000 in a month,
80 kg today, 55 kg- probably never.

Pap smear, flu shots - all clear, all done.
5 year plans, dreams, ambitions- shhh, stick to just for today
Tomorrow may never come.
Cuddles, kisses, story time, he'll say "Mommy I love you" in no time.

Keep walking, keep breathing,
Say to yourself "I Love You Me".
Get up now, start again
Wait it out, winter will be over soon it seems.

Lake Lines

Be handsome be pretty,
Be intelligent be witty
Be the master of all that you wanted to be -
The life of the party,
Sweeping everyone off their feet,
Cutting through each phrase and words,
The one that aches and breaks hearts with embarrassing invisible bleeding,
And bar-b-qs a few with blind burns just for the fun of it.

Everyone looks dumb in front you
It's been a while you conquered another soul,
The world is ready for another invasion
Hearts to be burnt alive or be slaughtered for your calling-
To celebrate the coronation of your coming into your true being.

I am on a rescue mission
A few drinks on the terrace my companion.
My sun baked skin heals with my curbed appetite
for men, meat and everything that walks on their feet.

I suck the energy of happy summer ducklings -
mastering swimming, crash landing every time without a single injury,
floating without a drop of water soaking their wings.

The heavyweight happiness climbs on my shoulder and punches me on my face,
It almost trips over the edge of the pier to the green mossy bed of the placid blue lake-Drowning, climbing up and walking back to the woods where it came from.

I bury my memories in the lake,
The lake takes my confessions and offers me silence in exchange,
Seals off the secrets and keeps them safe.
The sleepless nights and caffeinated mornings does the rest.
I'm too tired to remember what all that I have been saying ever meant.

Let's Talk

There are no more stories to tell each other,
no new stories to build together.
No conversation to begin or end
without raising your blood pressure.

Your consistent complaints helps me grow new skin
Each time it gets thicker, tougher, harder to cut through,
Invisible and invincible - an armor your words bang on and deflect
Shoots right back to where it hurts you the most.

Old wounds and bad bloods evolve,
Our tired old bodies call for ceasefire of duels,
Breakdowns and incessant tears produce no more heat for any makeup sex,
Just quiet turns towards two opposite corners of the mattress

Slowly moving into separate bedrooms,
Different work schedules, pick-ups, drop offs
and perhaps hopes for a calm, peaceful ending
and a smooth transition to a new beginning.

I'm draped in 6 yards of fabric, It wraps around my body that I hated when it grew, Attracting unwanted hands that crawled all over it,

Hands that I could chop off if it touched me again, if only someone believed what they did to me then. I love all these fabrics that wraps around my body, I own them, cherish them, desire them, I handpicked each of them, I worked for them, I admire those who admire them more than my body. My body transforms into them, As these fabrics transformed in the intricate fingers of men who touched them delicately, Designed them to perfection, Crafted with backbreaking sweat and love, Men who loved their women and the woman in them. I like it better when I wrap around you the way a saree wraps around me, My whole 6 yards on your 6 ft body, Soft music in the background, No phone calls from your mum or voice msg to interrupt, No complaints or honks from curious onlookers, Just bliss like sunshine glowing on the snows of Calgary in our backyard, When I'm baked in the sun, And the sobriety of miles of mountains that brings happy tears out of me. I would happily weave through your hair to put you to sleep, I'll be the perfect host to your friends - my enemies, Crack jokes, fight over remote control, resist your desire to make love in the middle of the night, Watch crime patrol and slurp on tall dark men, I'll say prayers and blow air all over you but let's not do all that I know you want me to. I know you love my body and all of me, My whims, my mood swings, my breasts, my hips, My skin that melts on your tall hard grip. Burns I cause you, insults I infer, wounds of my words that tears through your heart. I see through your thick glasses Your yearnings, protests, submission, defense. Your poker face doesn't fool me I can see your eyes undo the drapes off me. The world isn't just, I cry out when I can, In cubbies in the bathroom, Or in chat room with friends. My body was taken away from me I want it back And not just to drape it with hundred of yards of fabric I have stacked

By the time you are here 

I'd probably be gone.

In the mean time we will have visited our memories the thousandth time 

And have known by then - they've lost their appeal.

We will have produced children and figured out that blood clots don't work like glue. 

We would have realized we waited too long to figure out what we wanted

to do with our lives and what togetherness ever meant to us.

The tax breaks and joint accounts will have lost their convenience.

We will have discovered that we need faceless men and women in our bed to desire each other,

the distractions will have become our usual routines and we desire less and less. 

Our conversation will be limited to asking each other the pick up and drop off schedules,

The fights will have become infrequent so are the complaints.

Each day will begin and end with just five texts or less,

with replies of yes, no, I'll let you know, ok, bye and take care.

We will be making excuses to not sleep in the same bed for days, months, and then years.

And we will surely know it is time to end it 

when we will want to fall in love and succeed with someone else all over again.

Obituary

You are not here or anywhere,
Not a call away,
Not in any better place or worse than what it was.
You didn't perish in the soil,
You didn't turn into ashes,
You didn't carve a stone in your name and claim a piece of land.

The glass you didn't empty still bears the mark of your last sip,
The ashtray carries burn from the cigarettes you forgot to smoke,
The books you wrote and read stacked in the shelves,
Your photographs, handwritings, edits and editorials archived and dusted everyday.
Your words are recited in gatherings in fond memories of colleagues relieved no one would fuss about their mistakes,
Your doctors no longer worry about not giving hopes
Or frustrated that you'd never quit smoking and you just won't listen.
You were never afraid, never to be tamed or disciplined in any way.
You are no longer a child, a lover, a friend or a father.

I sip a drink before bedtime,
Rewind our discussions about date of births as births of deaths and
Everything that I learned with you,
Unfolding the pains of life you tried so hard to hide from me and failed,
I trained myself to carry on with my 9-5 life in the mean time,
as a mother, a wife, a lover and a friend as well.
The myth and mystery of death invade my days and nights again and again,
I escape in highs in my four walls and in tunnels of memories I make.
It would have been so much better
If we could chat away another evening like old times,
Wishing I didn't hang up so soon.
We've had this discussion- how it all ends,
As if to prepare ourselves all this time for this day
And despite all that and all the years that passed or will pass it hurts no less.

It's not bcoz we live in two continents,
the time zones are just a couple of hours away.
It's not bcoz we're too busy for small talks,
But the daily chores takes hours from the day.

We haven't been high together for quite a few years
But the memory of those sounds plays again and again.

This isn't the end of what we began
It's just that Time ticks hours and days.
I know you are just a call away
I know we'll pick up right where we were.

I may forget to wish you on your days
But I know we don't need these anyways.

I'm too embarrassed to tell you how I am,
I'm fighting my old battles all by myself.

I'm just too tired at the end of the day,
The traffic, commute burns me out everyday.
Although I hide behind my complacent face
I know you'll hear me through right away.

I used to accept my denying self
But these days I face my anger and fear.
The heartburns are over, the angers are shelfed
The fears no longer haunt me my dear.

I'll come see you around one day
I hope we'll pick up right where we were.

A list of to dos incomplete
You and I both disagreed
I've been thinking to call it quits
But both of us want to linger it.

I know your smile when it's just fake
I rub your shoulder to keep awake.
You rolled over my robe sleeping dead,
Just when I was leaving the bed.

I waited on the promises made,
They came too late - I moved ahead.
I fly alone on holidays,
A seat in tour buses is all it takes.

The reverse camera takes average frames,
Shoes and backpack claim I'm there
Strangers ask me if I'm alone,
I pass their queries in soft tones.

I wake in big hotel room alone
The morning prayer calls me at dawn.
The window brings in smells of sea
View of old city with breakfast tea.

Silence wakes my soul from sleep
A hungry nomad craves in me.
I'll be back soon in life of routine
Walls of prison, bubbles within.

I'll come home to sleep with your snores,
In my dreams I'll drive alone.

Mirrors on the wall often lie
I'm not perfect
I'm not there yet.
I have twins, loving parents, husband, work that I love,
a beautiful house on the bay,
Vacation on exotic islands
But I'm not there yet.

My neighbors splurge on LV
I only have Burberry
As if I have all the time in the world,
To hear housewives nag in the middle of my work.
I can't hang up,
I can't say shut the fuck up.

I pay my taxes
I wake at 4 am.
My mortgages are up to date
I'm at boot camp at 5 am.
My loans are all sorted out
I'm at work at 6:30 am.
I climb the stairs. I walk.
I quit sugar. I only eat healthy stuff.
But I'm not perfect. I'm not there yet.
I have that extra .4 pounds.

My buffet menu is elaborate
I decorate birthdays myself.
I want everything to be perfect.
That little kid just scratched my brand new bench.
Mrs X is packing left overs for everyone else.
I've more invitations to attend.
Potlucks, Housewarming gifts, another baby shower event.

My kids should get in Ivy League schools.
I'm worried to death.
I can't sleep. Maybe I should send them to private schools to graduate.
Yes they are just four.
But there is no harm planning early.

Mrs Z invited over to show off her new chaise.
Mr J flaunts his corvette.
My Facebook walls floods with husbands flaunting their wive's success.
Have I made it?
Perhaps not.
I hear nobody singing odes to my beauty or my success.
Haven't I done enough to deserve some envious green flashes.
I hate that middle age married bitch
Flirting and showing off.
I can't wear sleeveless, I can't show off enough cleavage.
I can't be stingy, I can't brag. 
shamelessly put up status on my wall, beat my own drums, shoot some down and put a crown on my head.

My friends say I have it all,
They say I'm glowing
My kids are the cutest.
My husband and I have the best couple shots.
I'm adored. I have the perfect body & health.
I turned 37 today
But I know for sure I am not perfect.
I know I'm definitely not there yet.

জ্বরের প্রলাপ

তোমার জন্য ভালবাসা সব জমাট কফ হয়ে আটকে আছে বুকের ভেতর,

জ্বরে পোড়ে কপাল, ওঠে পারদ, ফুসফুস শোনে ঋতু বদলের খবর.  

বুক ধরফরায়, নাকে নেই ঘ্রাণ, জিভ তেতো বিস্বাদ  

কপাল ছোয়না তোমার হাত, বিছানায় সারারাত এপাশ ওপাশ. 

সম্বল দুটো ট্যাবলেট, এক মগ তরল, কাচা কলার ঝোল,

সেল ফোন, সুডোকু, অসমাপ্ত অনুবাদ  আর অপরাধবোধ.

ভালবাসার অসুখ ছড়িয়ে পড়েছে সারা শহরে 

আহত, অসুস্থ তুমি আমি এবং আরো অনেকে.

সব ডাক্তারের একই চিকিত্সা তবু হাসপাতালে লম্বা লাইন, 

জানানো হয়নি তাকে গতরাতের সংলাপ,

দীর্ঘ প্রলম্বিত প্রলাপের বিষোদ্গার ও প্রক্ষালন. 

সময়ে অসময়ে ঘাম আর বিবিধ তরল বিছানা ভেজায় 

কফ সিরাপের নেশায় আধো ঘুমে আরো কয়েক দিন পেরোয়.

ঘোরের ঘোড়ার লাগাম হাতছাড়া হয়ে গেছে আজ 

ভালবাসার কফ থুতু ঝেড়ে ফেলাই এখন কাজ. 

কিউপিড আজ অমাবস্যার চাঁদ

ভালোবাসা এখন অসুস্থ হৃদপিন্ড

ভেজাল তেল চর্বিতে চোয়ানো পুরু দেয়ালে

অনিয়মিত তার প্রাণের প্রস্রবন।

গভীর ঘুমে জেগে ওঠা অবিশ্বাস হতাশার দরপতন,

আয়নায় রেখে গেছে আশংকার অপরিচিত ছাপ,   

অনির্দিষ্টকালের জন্য বন্ধ অলিন্দ,

খুলছে ভুলের সমীকরণ, অনিদ্রার অভিশাপ।

চামড়া কেটে ঢুকছে তোমার শব্দের যন্ত্রণা

সংখ্যাতিরিক্ত কণিকা গণিকাদের অধিকারে  

আমাদের শিৎকার, উন্মাদনা।

পরিচিত খোলা হাওয়া মেশেনা রক্তে

অলিন্দ নিলয়ের দেখা হয় প্রয়োজনে-অপ্রয়োজনে,

রঙ্গিন তরলেরা খোঁজে জমাট ক্ষোভ অভিমান

স্মৃতি, উদ্বেগে রুগ্ন পেশীরা চায় বিস্মৃতি, বিশ্রাম।

আমি ভুলে যেতে চাই কী ছিল তাদের নাম।

the beginning of happiness is the end of poetry

Words thrive in pain 

in dark circles, ego mania and in death of your reign.

The rings of smoke over liquids of fire,

Blow whistles at the starting line of our worst fear
As race begins between cheating hearts and doubts of my despair.

The love birds choke on affection
The cat strolls around the cage

The creepers pose threats to strangle
The magnificent commands over our brains.

The withered feathers end up in my pillows,
Caesar salad served for breakfast,   

the whipped cream of my labor round the year

rests on the blend of your bitter rage and scare. 

I drink from the bottom to the depths of your ear.

You are happy if I am quiet, not causing a lot of stare.

Discussions never end with spoons full of happy desserts,
Starters and mains forgotten no matter how good they were.
Peaches are bitches, always out of season
to not want to eat them should be all the more reason.

Forks leave scratches on plates and our tongues.
Plastic and papers wrap around convenient take away dinner.
Food doesn't taste good running on dangers of spills
Your after dinner speech starts rumblings in my stomach.
Stop babbling
Muse my words,
I'll scream in my dreams, but you don't have to hear.

A Mosquito's Revenge

There is no god speaking to me right now

I am left here hanging in fences hidden beneath the lights.

I smell my burnt wings, see my crushed belief in disbelief,

As I fail to learn the difference between hope and a death-trap.

My remains are swept off every morning with minimum wage,

Thousands of me, born again anonymous transforming till death.

My flight crashes in blood splatters in your hands in seconds,

in deadly applause that my vocal orchestra draws,

which counts as pleasure of killing (time) for some

or lunch for the slimy creatures in skilful play of curly tongues.

On rare occasions though our unison of revenge

permits a few chosen to strike back,

to carry on our striped wings a thousand year old message,

bites of shiver and a sudden collapse.

The years of observations of cycles of cautions, precautions say

To think of an escape would be just another disappointment.

For him the bell tolls

The bell rings twice these days

Pairs of sandals, shoes, sneakers pile at the entrance.

Basket full of boxers, blouse and petticoats for today’s laundry  

Two coffee cups, lunch boxes are now mandatory.

Queue before shower, about to go late

Lotions, potions, and a whole of lot of motions relayed.

Early dinner, late night snack, lying down in bed

Routines never thought of and yet naturally they came.

Staring at watches, waiting for bells to ring,

Disbelief in the clutching hands that always left without warning.

The arms, legs, chests and backs discover their complementing curves

Wrap around a perfect waist or caress a cushioned bust.

The nostrils fill with familiar smell,

The chemistry of salt and sour delicious as always.

The sound sources are alive, right across the ear

The moans and murmurs are on musical chairs.

It is too good to believe they are all here for real

Or perhaps a long wait before it all disappears.    

Ants

Ants march on my arms, I smell flood.


The anarchy of clouds and my ambitious neighbor drown our season’s harvest,

just as it did last year.

We look anorexic. 

The contour of our body blurs,

taking hours to recall the face to match the voice.

A narrow opening in the jammed window

Bring in air to breathe, to allure, demure and becomes a plague.

We emaciate, vaporize from tactile responses

To images, memories, fantasies.

A shadow casts itself in the mirror

Stares back at us to scare

And you pretend not to see.