জলাঞ্জলী

জলের কোল জুড়ে জেগে ছিল আলোর গোলক,

জল ধাঁধায় পরাস্ত ঢেউ আছড়ে পড়ল শুভ্র ফেনায়,

জলের কাদায় গভীরে জমে থাকা উত্তাপে

দগ্ধ বিদ্ধ চূর্ণ দম্ভ ধ্বংসাবশেষ মাড়িয়ে এলাম এক রাতে।

জল জাগে আলোর ডাকে, জল ভোগায় জল ভোগে।

আলো আঁধারি, রক্তচক্ষু, স্নিগ্ধ, বিমূর্ত, বিষণ্ণ, বিরক্ত

আলোক ধাঁধায় ঢেউ জাগে, ভাঙে,

বিলীন হয় মূহুর্তে, মর্ত্যে।

জল তুমি স্বর, আলোর শিকড় – আরেক ঈশ্বর,

গড়াও বিন্দু থেকে তিলে তিলে

জলোচ্ছ্বাসে বিলিয়ে দাও, ছিনিয়ে নাও

বিষণ্ণ মুখ, ঝমঝমে হাসি, বজ্র কণ্ঠ

দাসত্ব, মুক্তি, বন্দীত্ব, নির্লিপ্ত হাসি।

জলের গভীরের ডাকে অশরীরি জাগে গহীন আঁধারে,

জলদ গরল আর অমৃত জলযোগে, উপবাসে,

জোয়ার ভাঁটায় ছেঁড়ে, টানে, জোড়ে,

গড়ে, ডোবায়, ওড়ায়, ওড়ে।

There are days worse than others
And to go on living means to forget what just happened
Or what keeps happening
Every other day, every other week,
If you are lucky maybe every other month.

You talk it our in your head
Sometimes to a close friend
In reference to what happened to an xyz friend.
You can't believe this is happening to you,
You are too embarrassed to admit you let this happen
Every other day, every other week,
If you are lucky, maybe every other month.

You have contemplated your exit strategy
Planned thousand different plans
Sometimes homicide, sometimes suicide,
Every other day, every other week,
As you get used to this life,
Maybe every other month.

In the meantime it keeps happening,
Your baby wakes up from sleep
You are not sure if you can handle this by yourself-
Pay rent, health insurance, daycare,
You are afraid to file charges
Lawyer, custody battle, child support - is it worth it?
Maybe it will stop happening
every other day, every other week
If you are lucky enough maybe
only every other month.

You contemplate leaving him behind,
be another bad mother and
give both of you a chance for some other life.
He is too young to remember that you were ever here.
He will grow up and say "I never knew my mother",
melt someone's hearth to take care of him forever
And not make her feel what you feel
Every other day, every other week
Or every other month.

You hit yourself twice just to check if your senses work,
You forgot what hit you last time.
You bruise easily and heal fast.
I know you will walk out it
and not wait for the right moment
And not let it happen to you again
Every other day
Every other week
Every other month
Never ever ever ever ever. 

Imaginary lines chart our territories 

We try not to cross each other's path.

And yet when the night falls

Our bodies forget the decisions made last night

And find each other's warm feet under the comforter.

My heels touch your cuff muscles, 

fingers find their way under your shirt, 

work their magic on your stiff neck and back,

Your shoulders and arms stretch to reach out to mine.

The weather channel can no longer predict when there will be sun or rain,

A hail storm might just be followed by a sun drenched sky. 

I'll walk in the rain nonetheless breathing heavily with my long slow strides.

The view from the Hill gives me sanity, wisdom and strength

I can accept now the consequences of mudslides,

Casualties, beauty masks - any other angles or aspects.  

We've been too busy counting blames

while the conversations disappeared in thin air

This was probably the last breathe of fresh air we shared in the same space. 

Desperation

If you won’t love me awake and alive

I’ll lie down next to your sleeping corpse

And hug you to feel loved,

As every light dims in the dark.

I will imagine you to be the one

That used to make me laugh,

Get me high, make me come

On and on the whole night.

I’ll run my fingers on your skin

On your soft furry body hair,

Your rough long ponytail.

I’ll hear your breath

Count your turns and toss

And wait until you accidentally

Turn back to give me a hug back

Take my arms around you to keep you warm

And surrender with all your guards down,

Your wounds open wide

Allowing me to heal to let you feel

How deep, invisible, divisive our cuts have become

And I’ll whisper in your ears

Summon the demons to put yours to rest,

To wake up to another day

Not remembering any of this

To start again, again and again.   

Assassins

The assassins lay next to each other,
They are enemies and prisoners of war.
It’s a ceasefire
Until tomorrow morning,
Until the day begins
And slowly uncovers the triggers in the head -
the rage, the fear, the chills of the loss,
Until another message vibrates on the table,
A target marked for attack on the wall.

The signals unfold the collateral damages
Retaliations that are to be expected,
Whether to retreat or provoke
How many different ammunitions are in store?

The treaty is broken,
Boundaries have been crossed,
It’s just a matter of time
The assassins realize they have both lost the war.

Winter Blues

Onions, eggs, bananas, vitamin D, thyrin, prozac,
Trash, mailbox, bills, iron drops, broccoli, spinach.
2000 steps today, 20000 in a month,
80 kg today, 55 kg- probably never.

Pap smear, flu shots - all clear, all done.
5 year plans, dreams, ambitions- shhh, stick to just for today
Tomorrow may never come.
Cuddles, kisses, story time, he'll say "Mommy I love you" in no time.

Keep walking, keep breathing,
Say to yourself "I Love You Me".
Get up now, start again
Wait it out, winter will be over soon it seems.

Lake Lines

Be handsome be pretty,
Be intelligent be witty
Be the master of all that you wanted to be -
The life of the party,
Sweeping everyone off their feet,
Cutting through each phrase and words,
The one that aches and breaks hearts with embarrassing invisible bleeding,
And bar-b-qs a few with blind burns just for the fun of it.

Everyone looks dumb in front you
It's been a while you conquered another soul,
The world is ready for another invasion
Hearts to be burnt alive or be slaughtered for your calling-
To celebrate the coronation of your coming into your true being.

I am on a rescue mission
A few drinks on the terrace my companion.
My sun baked skin heals with my curbed appetite
for men, meat and everything that walks on their feet.

I suck the energy of happy summer ducklings -
mastering swimming, crash landing every time without a single injury,
floating without a drop of water soaking their wings.

The heavyweight happiness climbs on my shoulder and punches me on my face,
It almost trips over the edge of the pier to the green mossy bed of the placid blue lake-Drowning, climbing up and walking back to the woods where it came from.

I bury my memories in the lake,
The lake takes my confessions and offers me silence in exchange,
Seals off the secrets and keeps them safe.
The sleepless nights and caffeinated mornings does the rest.
I'm too tired to remember what all that I have been saying ever meant.