Desperation

If you won’t love me awake and alive

I’ll lie down next to your sleeping corpse

And hug you to feel loved,

As every light dims in the dark.

I will imagine you to be the one

That used to make me laugh,

Get me high, make me come

On and on the whole night.

I’ll run my fingers on your skin

On your soft furry body hair,

Your rough long ponytail.

I’ll hear your breath

Count your turns and toss

And wait until you accidentally

Turn back to give me a hug back

Take my arms around you to keep you warm

And surrender with all your guards down,

Your wounds open wide

Allowing me to heal to let you feel

How deep, invisible, divisive our cuts have become

And I’ll whisper in your ears

Summon the demons to put yours to rest,

To wake up to another day

Not remembering any of this

To start again, again and again.   

Assassins

The assassins lay next to each other,
They are enemies and prisoners of war.
It’s a ceasefire
Until tomorrow morning,
Until the day begins
And slowly uncovers the triggers in the head -
the rage, the fear, the chills of the loss,
Until another message vibrates on the table,
A target marked for attack on the wall.

The signals unfold the collateral damages
Retaliations that are to be expected,
Whether to retreat or provoke
How many different ammunitions are in store?

The treaty is broken,
Boundaries have been crossed,
It’s just a matter of time
The assassins realize they have both lost the war.

Winter Blues

Onions, eggs, bananas, vitamin D, thyrin, prozac,
Trash, mailbox, bills, iron drops, broccoli, spinach.
2000 steps today, 20000 in a month,
80 kg today, 55 kg- probably never.

Pap smear, flu shots - all clear, all done.
5 year plans, dreams, ambitions- shhh, stick to just for today
Tomorrow may never come.
Cuddles, kisses, story time, he'll say "Mommy I love you" in no time.

Keep walking, keep breathing,
Say to yourself "I Love You Me".
Get up now, start again
Wait it out, winter will be over soon it seems.

Lake Lines

Be handsome be pretty,
Be intelligent be witty
Be the master of all that you wanted to be -
The life of the party,
Sweeping everyone off their feet,
Cutting through each phrase and words,
The one that aches and breaks hearts with embarrassing invisible bleeding,
And bar-b-qs a few with blind burns just for the fun of it.

Everyone looks dumb in front you
It's been a while you conquered another soul,
The world is ready for another invasion
Hearts to be burnt alive or be slaughtered for your calling-
To celebrate the coronation of your coming into your true being.

I am on a rescue mission
A few drinks on the terrace my companion.
My sun baked skin heals with my curbed appetite
for men, meat and everything that walks on their feet.

I suck the energy of happy summer ducklings -
mastering swimming, crash landing every time without a single injury,
floating without a drop of water soaking their wings.

The heavyweight happiness climbs on my shoulder and punches me on my face,
It almost trips over the edge of the pier to the green mossy bed of the placid blue lake-Drowning, climbing up and walking back to the woods where it came from.

I bury my memories in the lake,
The lake takes my confessions and offers me silence in exchange,
Seals off the secrets and keeps them safe.
The sleepless nights and caffeinated mornings does the rest.
I'm too tired to remember what all that I have been saying ever meant.

Let's Talk

There are no more stories to tell each other,
no new stories to build together.
No conversation to begin or end
without raising your blood pressure.

Your consistent complaints helps me grow new skin
Each time it gets thicker, tougher, harder to cut through,
Invisible and invincible - an armor your words bang on and deflect
Shoots right back to where it hurts you the most.

Old wounds and bad bloods evolve,
Our tired old bodies call for ceasefire of duels,
Breakdowns and incessant tears produce no more heat for any makeup sex,
Just quiet turns towards two opposite corners of the mattress

Slowly moving into separate bedrooms,
Different work schedules, pick-ups, drop offs
and perhaps hopes for a calm, peaceful ending
and a smooth transition to a new beginning.